Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year unless you are a parent trying to navigate shared holidays after separating from your child’s other parent. The holiday season can be extremely difficult mentally, emotionally and financially for separated parents. This year, many separated parents are spending their first Christmas without their children. Next year, the child’s other parent might be spending their first Christmas without their children. It is not a pleasant experience for either parent. For the best shot at a successful holiday, these are our top five tips for successful Christmas co-parenting:
1. Create New Holiday Traditions
It is extremely important for newly separated families to create their own new household traditions for Christmas. At mom’s house, she might decorate the Christmas tree using the same old ornaments that the family had before the separation. But she might choose to use a hot pink Christmas tree instead. At dad’s house, he might shake things up and decorate the Christmas trees using movie themed ornaments that mom would have never allowed when they lived together. Either way, acknowledging the elephant in the room and creating a new normal is essential to surviving the holidays. Whatever the new normal is, it is important to roll with it and repeat it year after year even if it is completely ridiculous.
2. Give a Christmas Gift to Your Ex
It is normal to hate your former spouse after a breakup. However, at Christmas you should be prepared to suck it up and remember that your children still love both of you. If you are helping your children shop and purchase special gifts for their loved ones, keep in mind that your children probably want to give a gift to your ex. The gift that you let your children pick out and give to your ex is actually a gift to your children. Your children benefit from being able to celebrate both of their parents without worrying about parental conflict.
3. Be Nicer than the Parenting Plan
If your children are celebrating Christmas with you this year, initiate a telephone call for your children and your ex. It does not matter if the parenting plan requires you to arrange for this contact. Your children probably want to chat with their other parent on a significant holiday because the children love both of you despite your separation. You are allowed to offer extra calls and more or longer visits, and we encourage you to do so if your children want it.
4. Share Pictures of Significant Events
A picture is worth a thousand words. If a parent has Christmas morning and the children are beyond excited that “Santa came!!” and the smiles are from ear to ear, share those pictures with your ex. If communication is rocky, give the pictures to your children to bring back with them or attach them to an email. If those pictures melted your heart, then your co-parent will probably get a smile from them too.
5. Plan Ahead
Successful Christmas co-parenting requires pre-planning to get all of the fun times, family get-togethers and celebrations to fit within the allotted timeframe during the holiday. If the road conditions suck, plan ahead to allow for extra travel time for the exchange. Respect your co-parent’s time and try not to ask for more time or special accommodation because it usually leads to conflict and disharmony.
The first few shared holidays after separation are the most difficult. For the best chance of success, you must go above and beyond as a co-parent and set yourself and your children up for success. Keep the memories bright, cheerful and friendly because your children are worth the effort to be nice to your ex during the holidays.
The Edmonton Family Network was designed to be used as a resource to anyone dealing with a difficult family situation. The Edmonton Family Network is familiar with the current limitations of the legal system and the barriers many people face trying to access and afford legal services. The Edmonton Family Network aims to educate and connect people with affordable resources and service providers that can help.
