What is a blended family?
Blended families are created when single (separated or divorced) parents enter into adult-interdependent relationships with each other. The newly cohabitating parents each bring their children from their previous relationships into their newly established home, and everyone tries to function together as a new mixed family unit. As time moves on, the parents usually take on some form of a parenting role with each other’s children, and all of the children eventually become acquainted as siblings. Sometimes the couple have their own biological children together which can further complicate the mixed family dynamics. This messy family arrangement is often referred to as a blended family.
Do grandparents join a blended family?
In the ideal situation, all parents would support their adult children in their endeavours to be a loving stepparent or a devoted blended parent to their new spouse’s children. If a parent’s parents do not already have biological grandchildren, they may decline to get involved with any new non-biological grandchildren. If there are biological grandchildren already in the mix, the grandparents might be delighted to have even more grandchildren to cherish, or the grandparents may reject the non-biological grandchildren. In a handful of cases, grandparents are only willing to be grandparents to the grandchildren that are “[their] blood.”
If a blended couple’s parents do not recognize or accept a role as grandparents to all of their children equally, it will hurt feelings and create disharmony. Those hurt or unpleasant feelings will be intensified if the grandparents are inconsistent in their treatment of their grandchildren, or if the grandchildren are accepted “like blood” one minute then rejected the next for not being blood.
The Judgment of the Honourable Judge R. A. Jacobson illustrates an example in M.P. v. E.A., 2004 ABPC 42 (CanLII), at paragraph 19 and 20:
[19] The [grandparent] had unsupervised access to [the biological grandchild] until he was about nine months old. Visitations occurred about every two weeks for a few hours at a time.
[20] Unfortunately tension and then hostility developed after the [grandparent] asked to have visits only with [the biological grandchild], without [the sibling] being present. [The mother] took that request to be a rejection of [the sibling] and that the [grandparent] had decided to exclude him during her visits with [the biological grandchild]. The result was that [the mother] denied the [the grandmother] access except on a very limited basis, and finally, outright refusal.
As a consequence of the mother’s perceived rejection of the sibling, the grandparent was denied a relationship with the biological (or suspected biological) grandchild. Unfortunately, this situation is a common occurrence. If a sibling is rejected, access to the other sibling(s) may become limited or it might become withheld entirely as the children grow and become more aware of the unequal treatment between them.
What’s the big deal?
The dynamics in a blended family are complex. The parents usually aim to treat all of their children equally, and to have all of their children feel equally as loved, valued and accepted within their blended family. It can be damaging to a blended family when grandparents come along and deliver the message that some of their children are worth more than others because of genetics. It undermines the couple’s efforts to blend their families. Children have zero control over their genetics and children are usually sensitive to favouritism. Feelings get hurt.
There is no easy solution for these types of situations. Parents must establish firm boundaries with their parents to protect all of their children from harm. It can be devastating to a couple’s romantic relationship if the threat to any of their children’s wellbeing is their own respective parents. Sometimes it is necessary to bring in outside help to try and navigate the situation and assist with damage control in these types of difficult situations.
The Edmonton Family Network was designed to be used as a resource to anyone dealing with a difficult family situation. The Edmonton Family Network is familiar with the current limitations of the legal system and the barriers many people face trying to access and afford legal services. The Edmonton Family Network aims to educate and connect people with affordable resources and service providers that can help.
