What are “I” statements and why should you avoid them?
You have probably heard the advice that you should use “I” statements to improve your relationships.
- “I” statements are a communication tool that is commonly used to improve relationships between two or more people that want to have a better relationship with each other.
- “I” statements force a complaining person to address their complaints by focusing on their own thoughts, feelings or actions instead of attacking the other person with “You” statements or accusations.
If you are in a high-conflict co-parenting relationship, we do not recommend using “You” statements (for obvious reasons) or sentences that start with “I” when communicating with your co-parent.
The issue with using “I” statements (or sentences that start with “I”) in high-conflict co-parenting situations is that the parents are not communicating because they want to have a better relationship with each other. Bridges have already been burned down. High-conflict co-parents are only communicating with each other because they are forced to co-parent with each other, and for no other reason. Parents in high-conflict situations tend to be extremely negative and critical towards each other and easily triggered. For this reason, “You” and “I” should be left out of it entirely. The focus should be on the child at all times.
Why is it a big deal to use sentences that start with “I” in high-conflict parenting relationships?
“I” statements (or sentences that start with “I”) are harmful in high-conflict co-parenting relationships because they shift the attention away from the child to focus on the thoughts, feelings or actions of the person using the “I” statement/sentence. Most of the time, the child’s parent is primarily focused on the child but the “I” statements deliver the message that the parent using the “I” statement is primarily focused on themself.
To put it into perspective, if a parent asks what their child had for supper, the asking parent probably just wants to know what food their child consumed and when. The responding parent should avoid saying things like “I made [description of meal]” and should instead say something like “[child’s name] had [description of meal].” In the second option, the focus remains entirely on the child and not the actions of the responding parent. There is less opportunity for a co-parent to be triggered when “You” and “I” sentences are left out of it. Starting sentences using the child’s name helps keep co-parenting communication neutral.
What should you take from this?
If you have a high-conflict relationship with your co-parent, you should aim to completely avoid using sentences that start with “I” when writing to your co-parent. Go out of your way to start your sentences with your child’s name and leave yourself out of it. You are a trigger to your co-parent but your child is not. Keep that in mind and restructure your sentences to avoid triggering your co-parent. If you do not take our advice, you might one day find yourself in family court facing accusations that you do not put your child first because your messages always focus on your own thoughts, actions or feelings. Your messages could be attached as evidence claiming that you are always talking about yourself instead of your child in your parenting communications.
The Edmonton Family Network was designed to be used as a resource for anyone dealing with a difficult family situation. The Edmonton Family Network is familiar with the current limitations of the legal system and the barriers many people face trying to access and afford legal services. The Edmonton Family Network aims to educate and connect people with affordable resources and service providers that can help.
