Parenting is hard. Parenting after separation is even harder, and it only becomes more challenging the more that you dislike your co-parent. In high-conflict situations, the parenting dynamics are usually far from cooperative. Co-parenting is not a competition but it can quickly turn into one within high-conflict parenting situations. When there is lots of conflict, Mom and Dad tend to actively keep track of everything that they do or provide for their children in pursuit of proving that they are the superior parent. When parents are keeping score, they are parenting for the record instead of for the benefit of their children.
CO-PARENTING IS NOT A COMPETITION.
In the grand scheme of things, it truly does not matter which parent took the children to school, the dentist, the doctors or anywhere else. It genuinely does not matter which parent had more parenting time since the quality of the parenting time is more important than the quantity of the parenting time. All that actually matters is that the children were safe and received whatever they needed including lots of love and attention from both parents. The children always win when their parents are able to provide for them without keeping score.
HIGH-CONFLICT PARENTING DYNAMICS ENCOURAGE AND FUEL COMPETITION. In high-conflict parenting situations, the focus tends to shift from meeting the needs of the children to validating the ego of the “superior” parent. For many stay-at-home parents especially, being viewed by the world as the primary parent or the better parent is deeply tied to their sense of self. The primary parent usually feels threatened when their co-parent starts to pick up the slack and take on new parenting responsibilities at the breakdown of their relationship. Instead of taking it as a win, the primary parent takes it as a battle.
The children always lose when their parents are in a war against each other. The parents that are in battle tend to lose sight of their common goal of raising happy and healthy children. The parents that are fighting or simply do not like each other tend to be fixated on keeping score, collecting evidence and documenting conflict. Some parents put more effort into their high-conflict journal than they ever did for their child’s baby book. In high-conflict situations, the focus is usually on the score and the goal is to win. In order to win, many parents choose to set up their co-parent for failure instead of setting up their children for success.
The battle mindset truly kills any collaborative co-parenting and it kills the positivity in childhood moments. Parents that are stuck in a document-everything headspace can’t just pick up their children for their parenting time and enjoy it. These parents are usually too preoccupied with lining their children up to take pictures or inventorying their clothing if it is in rough shape or does not fit. Their children will probably grow up to remember the criticism, interrogations and evidence collecting such as being forced to strip down and change after every exchange because their other parent dressed them in “nothing but rags” during their parenting time. These children will probably grow up to remember the toxicity that poisoned their childhood.
THE CHILDREN ARE WATCHING.
The children are usually far more aware of their parents’ conflict than they are typically given credit for. The children can pick up on the tension in the car ride or the awkwardness at the exchanges. The children can hear the tone of voice, and they can detect any shifts in the tone or mood when their parent mentions their other parent. The children feel the shift in energy the moment co-parenting becomes a competition. The children do not need to be told that there is a war happening because they usually already know. The children can feel it every time they are caught in the middle of it.
What parents tend to forget when their focus is consumed by their desire to be the superior parent is that the competition places their children in the middle of a loyalty battle. When a parent bullies or speaks negatively about the other, makes comparisons, or uses the child’s observations as ammunition, they are placing the children involved in an impossible position. The children love both of their parents and they do not want to pick a side. They are made up of both of their parents. Asking a child, directly or indirectly, to take a side is asking them to reject a part of themselves which is a burden no child should ever have to carry.
What should you take from this?
CO-PARENTING IS NOT A COMPETITION. The document-everything mentality is deeply rooted in the pursuit of being the superior parent, but the obsession with proving it ultimately makes that parent the lesser one. The energy that is invested into documenting everything is energy that should have been invested in the child. The money spent on the battle is usually higher than the cost to resolve the root of the grievances, whether it’s providing adequate clothing for both homes or spending the funds in other ways that would benefit the child.
Parents have a choice in how their children will remember their childhood. When children grow up in low-conflict situations, they typically do not remember which parent drove them to the dentist or paid for the bill. They instead remember that they felt safe and loved. Many adult children may even come to recognize or appreciate that their parents were able to work together despite their separation. In high-conflict situations, the adult children will rarely reach the same conclusion. It only takes one parent to make a co-parenting relationship high-conflict, and the truly superior parent is the one lessening the damage.
The Edmonton Family Network was designed to be used as a resource for anyone dealing with a difficult family situation. The Edmonton Family Network is familiar with the current limitations of the legal system and the barriers many people face trying to access and afford legal services. The Edmonton Family Network aims to educate and connect people with affordable resources and service providers that can help.
