Parenting After Separation: Communication Problems
At the breakdown of a relationship, lots of parents run into big problems when they’re trying to communicate with each other. In high-conflict situations, with intervention, parents can be restricted to communicating with each other in writing, on specific topics and within 100 words. Parents can be limited to only communicating only about parenting arrangements and information about the child. Communicating in writing is a great strategy to reduce conflict if both parents have “ok” communication skills.
What’s the nice way to say “I hate you”?
When parenting after separation, many parents struggle to speak nicely to each other if the breakup was messy. A complicated or dramatic breakup is not an incentive to say “please and thank you” nor does it promote other pleasantries. Sometimes communication problems arise because the parents do not like each other and they are clearly communicating that to each other. Hurt feelings, vulnerability and hostility lead to uncomfortable or unkind interactions between the parents. Limiting communication to “in writing only” can reduce the level of the unkindness expressed towards each other.
What if communication is the problem?
Communication is a skill. Sometimes communication problems are the consequence of poor communication skills by either of the parents. One parent might think they answered a question but the other parent may not have understood the reply. Parents that do not explain themselves clearly, refuse to respond to questions or are not upfront and honest are not great to communicate or co-parent with. Communication is a skill and not everyone has the same skills and abilities when it comes to sharing information, expressing thoughts, feelings and opinions. Communicating will be a problem if either parent has below average skills.
How to avoid common co-parenting communication problems:
Make Requests, Not Demands
Parents that want something should ask for it instead of demanding it from their co-parent. Parents frequently run into problems when a parent dictates a plan without consulting the other parent first. For example, a parent may want to travel with the children during the other parent’s weekend, but instead of asking first, the parent tells the other parent that they are losing their parenting time because of the planned travel. That usually does not go over too well and leads to a power struggle over entitlement to the weekend.
By rephrasing demands to sound like a question, it gives the other parent the opportunity to participate in a co-parenting discussion. “Would you mind if” or “Can we please reschedule” are two possible ways to approach requests. This approach works better compared to expecting a parent to blindly follow instructions dictated to them by their co-parent. If the other parent refuses a request without a discussion, then communication is probably not the root of the issue. The actual problem might be that one parent feels more entitled than the other parent or there is some other underlying issue to be resolved.
Keep Track of Information
Get organized. Poor organizational skills fuel communication problems between parents. A parent that struggles to manage information from their co-parent will run into issues with co-parenting. A parent providing child-related information may become frustrated if they are stuck providing the same information over and over again, only to face allegations that information was withheld. For example, a parent may have provided their co-parent with health and dental coverage information for the child. A scanned copy may have been emailed to the recipient parent. The original benefits card may have gone home in the child’s backpack. A picture may have been emailed to the parent. The recipient parent may later tell their lawyer or the Honourable Court that benefits information was never provided.
In another scenario, one parent may send an email to their co-parent with detailed information regarding the child’s upcoming doctors and dentist appointments. At a later time, the recipient parent might claim to have no knowledge of the appointments and blatantly accuse the sending parent of hiding information. In these situations, the parent providing the other parent with information feels like they are being forced to keep records confirming that the important information was actually provided to the other parent.
The best solution in these types of disorganized co-parenting situations is for the parents to jointly create a shared calendar or download and use a co-parenting app like OurFamilyWizard. Unfortunately, both parents must agree and both parents must actually participate in using it for this solution to work. An unreasonable parent, or a parent that enjoys the conflict, will probably refuse such an obvious solution.
Clearly Answer Questions
Answer the question. If a child-related question is asked, it should be answered. In many high conflict parenting situations, one or both of the parents may choses to ignore emails or selectively picks which parts of the email should be replied to. A parent that is genuinely trying to co-parent usually becomes frustrated when it seems nearly impossible to get a simple answer to a direct question. In one scenario, a parent may request to take the child to another child’s birthday party in a few weeks. The other parent sends an email declining the request. The parent then sends another email with an offer to trade weekends to allow the child to participate in the party. The other parent does not reply. No answer is the answer.
In another scenario, one parent may struggle to pack school lunches for their child that is a picky eater. The parent may ask the other parent about what types of items that parent packs for the child to help take away the guess work, but the other parent ignores the email.
In another scenario, a parent sends an email that provides two options and asks the other parent to pick the option they would prefer. The other parent writes back “yes.” The parent that asked the question is not sure which option the answering parent wants because it was an “or” question. The parent that is trying to decipher the answer is usually left extremely frustrated.
Do not assume. Ask.
Parents should not assume things or jump to conclusions. As an example, a parent may have concerns with the child’s school attendance in the other parent’s care. Instead of asking the other parent why the child is late or absent, the parent immediately accuses their co-parent of inadequate parenting. The parent may have valid concerns, but the other parent is likely to feel attacked and become defensive instead of participating in a discussion regarding the child’s attendance.
The poor communication of one parent usually creates discomfort or frustration for their co-parent parent. A parent with poor communication skills usually forces their co-parent to repeat and rephrase requests multiple times without ever actually receiving quality information in return. A parent that does not ask for information but instead jumps to conclusions, or the parent that offers unsolicited opinions, makes their co-parent feel the need to defend themselves or their actions instead of participating in a child-orientated discussion.
What should you take from this?
Anyone struggling to co-parent with someone with poor communication skills should bring in experienced outside help. Trained professionals can teach tips and tricks to improve communication. One possible solution may be to learn the BIFF Response. Another possible solution is establishing ground rules for communication by agreement or by Court Order. The Edmonton Family Network can provide referrals to suitable professionals that may be able to help navigate your situation.
The Edmonton Family Network was designed to be used as a resource to anyone dealing with a difficult family situation. The Edmonton Family Network is familiar with the current limitations of the legal system and the barriers many people face trying to access and afford legal services. The Edmonton Family Network aims to educate and connect people with affordable resources and service providers that can help.
