What is an exchange?
At the end of a parent’s parenting time, the parent must give the child to the other parent so that the other parent can start their parenting time. The child’s transition from one parent to the other is referred to as the exchange. The exchange is an unavoidable part of co-parenting that can range from being a boring and uneventful occurrence to an extremely unpleasant and stressful experience.
In high-conflict situations, the exchanges are rarely positive experiences. In many co-parenting situations, the only direct contact that two parents have with each other is at the exchanges. If the parents do not get along, they may use the exchange as an opportunity to poke at each other, instead of focusing on keeping their child comfortable during the transition. A common tactic that is used to poke at each other is to bring their new girlfriend or boyfriend to the exchange, or by making inappropriate comments towards each other to trigger a reaction.
The games played at the exchanges can escalate to the point where it is not healthy for the two parents to keep having contact with each other at the exchanges anymore. In those situations, it could be helpful to resort to curbside exchanges to establish physical distance between parents instead of having them meet at the front door or at public locations.
What are curbside exchanges?
Curbside exchanges are exchanges that take place at the mother or the father’s residence, some other agreed upon spot, or a court ordered location. The parent that is dropping off the child, or the parent picking-up the child, must do it from the sidewalk, parking lot or public space at the exchange location. Curbside exchanges strictly prohibit parents from parking on the driveway or accompanying the child from the vehicle to the front door under any circumstances. The driving parent must instead remain with their vehicle at all times, while the child must walk away unaccompanied. Driveways and front doors are completely off limits to the person driving the child.
Do curb side exchanges work?
Curbside exchanges can help to reduce conflict to some extent. Curbside exchanges are intended to reduce conflict by establishing boundaries and physical distance. In high-conflict situations, curbside exchanges are a Band-Aid on a much bigger issue. If the mother and the father cannot be face-to-face with each other in the presence of their child without being dicks to each other, there are much bigger issues that are not being addressed with curbside exchanges. The underlying issues in those situations usually relate to family violence or flat-out inappropriate behaviour in the presence of the child.
Other times, a parent may want curbside exchanges to portray their co-parent in a negative light. The parent may request a firm set of rules for the exchanges as a power move. The complaining parent may claim that the rules are needed for their comfort or privacy and the goal becomes to make the complaining parent comfortable despite the consequences to the child. When the exchanges happen with a bunch of rules attached, the restrictions serve as a constant reminder that the parents do not like each other.
Final Thoughts
Curbside exchanges can help deescalate conflict when parents cannot come face-to-face with each other without resorting to bullying and being unkind. The physical distance is intended to reduce harm to the child, who should not witness that type of toxic behaviour. Curbside exchanges can help reduce immediate conflict, but they are not a suitable long-term solution in high-conflict parenting situations.
In high-conflict situations, the child will be at risk of harm until the parents can figure out a better way to address the bigger issues between them. Professionals should be brought in to help figure out what the real issues are and how to fix them. Depending on the root of the issue, there may be several different options available that could help improve a toxic co-parenting situation. The child is worth the time and effort to overcome the obstacles.
The Edmonton Family Network was designed to be used as a resource to anyone dealing with a difficult family situation. The Edmonton Family Network is familiar with the current limitations of the legal system and the barriers many people face trying to access and afford legal services. The Edmonton Family Network aims to educate and connect people with affordable resources and service providers that can help.
