Parental alienation is child abuse. Parental alienation is the legal concept used to describe when a parent deliberately takes steps to destroy their child’s relationship with the other parent. An alienating parent does not want to co-parent. The alienating parent wants to be the “better parent” by becoming the only parent. An alienating parent’s ultimate goal is for the child to “voluntarily” end their relationship with their other parent.
The difference between parental alienation and estrangement ultimately comes down to the words and actions of the favourite parent. If your co-parent is not alienating your child, your co-parent will genuinely encourage your child to have a relationship with you even if you suck. Your co-parent will role model resilience, empathy and forgiveness. In extreme justified situations, your co-parent might demand conditions to address issues like supervision and sobriety, but your co-parent will still encourage and facilitate your parenting time despite your flaws.
If you suspect that your co-parent turned your kids against you: Your co-parent will deny it. I have never met an alienating parent willing to admit that they hurt their children on purpose to punish an ex. Alienating parents usually describe their harmful words as “telling the truth” and their actions that interfere with parenting as “protection.” It’s never an alienating parent’s fault so you should never expect accountability from an alienating co-parent. Don’t waste your time. Your time and energy are better invested in strengthening your relationship with your child.
When your co-parent blames you: Alienating parents always justify their behaviour by pointing out their co-parents mistakes. Your alienating co-parent will tell you it’s your fault when your relationship with your child starts to deteriorate. It’s a hard truth but it could be your fault if your relationship with your child is on the rocks. You may have said something hurtful or gone a little too far with your discipline and it harmed your relationship with your child. Instead of having your back, your alienating co-parent probably jumped on the opportunity to use your errors as proof that you suck. Your co-parent will describe your relationship as “estranged” solely because of your unfavourable words or actions. Your alienating co-parent will never admit their role in turning your child against you.
When your co-parent refuses to encourage forgiveness: Your alienating co-parent wants your child to see only your flaws and to empower your child to use them to justify ending their relationship with you. An alienating co-parent will usually say “I’m not going to force [my child] to see their [other parent] if they don’t want to,” without ever trying to address the underlying issues. Helping your child is not their priority. An alienating parent is always looking for an excuse to end their co-parent’s parenting time and take away their co-parent’s decision-making responsibilities.
Moving forward despite the alienation: You are facing an uphill battle. It’s up to you to find a way to strengthen your relationship with your child. You must figure out where you went wrong instead of trying to figure out what your alienating co-parent did to make the situation worse. It’s a hard truth but there may be a little truth in the wave of untruths from your alienating co-parent. Your child can interpret your words and actions differently than your intentions. Your co-parent may have created false narratives about you. Whatever mistake your child believes you made becomes their truth. Figuring out your child’s truth and a genuine apology for their experience is a good starting point to fix it.
Your child’s truth will be uncomfortable. You will need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable if you genuinely want to repair your relationship. A sincere apology opens the door for the possibility of repair which can only happen at your child’s pace. Your child is hurting and you can’t make your child feel better by dismissing their experiences because their truth is different from your reality. You can’t control your child’s thoughts or feelings but you can model accountability in a way that can actually heal your relationship over time.
Your role is important for the safety, stability and developmental wellbeing of your child. Your role is important regardless of your relationship status with your child’s other parent or the amount of time that you get to see or speak with your child. If you are being alienated from your child, it is extremely important that you involve people that are qualified to help as soon as possible. Do not delay. Work with an experienced family law legal team, qualified mental health professionals and parenting experts. Assemble a support team equipped to ensure the greatest possible protection of your child’s physical, psychological and emotional safety.
Navigating parental alienation alone is overwhelming. Connecting with the right professionals early can make a significant difference in protecting your child and your relationship with them. The Edmonton Family Network was designed to be used as a resource for anyone dealing with a difficult family situation. The Edmonton Family Network is familiar with the current limitations of the legal system and the barriers many people face trying to access and afford legal services. The Edmonton Family Network aims to educate and connect people with affordable resources and service providers that can help.
