Parenting after separation is hard. Parents are often faced with challenges at each step of the way, and many of those obstacles cause parents to feel like they are counting down the years until their children are adults.
Challenge #1: Establish a Parenting Schedule
One of the first obstacles that parents must overcome after a separation is to figure out who gets the kids and when (also known as the “parenting schedule”). Creating a parenting schedule can be extremely challenging. The parents that can work together effortlessly to create a parenting schedule in the way that best works best for them deserve recognition and praise. Not all separated parents can do that.
In high conflict situations, parents could be stuck recruiting outside help to get a suitable parenting schedule established for their family. There are a few different types of support services that parents can turn to for help with parenting plans. Parents can seek outside support ranging from the informal support from friends or family, mediators, counsellors, therapists, professional supervisors, parenting coordinators, lawyers, all the way up to seeking the assistance of the courts for court orders. The financial costs and stress can be significant for many of those options.
Challenge #2: Following a Parenting Schedule
Once a parenting schedule is established, one of the next biggest challenges that parents face is actually following it. Once a parenting plan is established, some parents completely ignore the parenting schedule, selectively follow it, or completely change it without permission whenever it is convenient for them. Some parents consider their parenting schedule as more of a “parenting guideline” that should be open to change and flexibility. Other parents consider their parenting plan as firm schedule or concrete plan that must not be changed for any reason. If both parents have conflicting opinions on how to follow a parenting schedule, it will create disharmony between them. The conflict in these types of situations is almost always triggered when one parent wants a bit more or extra time, but the other does not want to accommodate it because it’s not in the parenting plan, parenting schedule, court order, etc.
Extra Parenting Time?
If both parents are not willing to be flexible when co-parenting with each other, any requests for extra time will create conflict between them. An inflexible parent will be mad over each and every request, simply because the request was made, regardless of the reason. A flexible parent may eventually become frustrated and resentful if they are constantly accommodating requests but are not shown the same kindness in return when the shoe is on the other foot. Parents must put their children first in co-parenting situations in respect to requesting extra parenting time – despite how awful, controlling and unaccommodating their child’s other parent might be.
So, what should you do if your co-parent asks for extra time… all of the time?
Parents, listen up:
If your co-parent asks for extra time, even if it is all of the time, you must consider each and every request from your child’s point of view. You should not deny a request simply because your co-parent is trying to include your child in plans that are scheduled during your time. The decision to accept or decline an invitation for the child should only be based on what is best for your child.
That sucks, we know. Unfortunately, we can’t control your co-parent or dictate when plans should fit into their schedule. We must recognize that things can pop up or there might be other factors out of your co-parents control. An event hosted by a third party, team or organization may not give your co-parent the ability to pick the dates and times. It’s not socially acceptable for a guest to ask to reschedule an event, such as a kid’s birthday party, to fit their own preferences or parenting schedule. It’s ultimately up to the invited guests to accommodate the invitation or to respectfully decline it.
We acknowledge it can be frustrating if your co-parent tends to make a lot of requests. You might feel like your co-parent does not respect your parenting schedule or your time with the child. However, consider first, above everything else, how the request impacts the overall well-being of your child. If your child will be safe or benefit from the activity, you should find a way to accommodate the request.
Failing to allow your child to attend a birthday party, a family reunion, a concert or any other activity can be harmful to your child. When you refuse to facilitate a request, you are potentially putting your child in an uncomfortable situation whenever the event is mentioned around them in the future. Your child may feel excluded or left out for no fault of their own. We encourage you not to put your child in that situation.
What should you take from this?
For most requests for extra time, it’s best for the child if the parents put aside their feelings and find a way to be flexible. A parent receiving a request for extra parenting time is presented with an opportunity to be a positive role model and to demonstrate flexibility and resiliency to the child. Parents shouldn’t screw it up by trying to win a power struggle. “Winning” a co-parenting power struggle over the child’s time often comes at the expense of the well-being of the child.
The Edmonton Family Network was designed to be used as a resource to anyone dealing with a difficult family situation. The Edmonton Family Network is familiar with the current limitations of the legal system and the barriers many people face trying to access and afford legal services. The Edmonton Family Network aims to educate and connect people with affordable resources and service providers that can help.
